Zombies: No more to fear

Conor Flynn, Staff Writer

In 2012, the world was faced with a scary question: will the world end on December 21? It seemed that in the past year apocalypse theories and movies sprung up everywhere, including Armageddon-like situations such as the explosion of our Sun or aliens attacking.

            However, probably the most prevalent type of apocalypse circulating would be the outbreak of zombieism. In movies and shows like The Walking Dead, the plot takes place after most of the world is consumed by a zombie invasion. With Hollywood picking up on the popularity of these shows, this theory will likely become even more widespread.

If you are afraid of these impending events, I urge you not to be.

Zombies are basically human bodies with the five basic senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. However, they do not have functioning minds, no morals or rationale, no logic or critical thinking. In every physiological sense, they are animals. They are also not living; they are literally dead meat.

This happens to be the best and easiest meal for any predator.

Wolves, bears, and carnivores of any kind would feed on humans if, you know, we didn’t kill them first. However, a zombie would have no thought of danger when encountering an apex predator. The predator, on the other hand, would smell flesh and meat and also not associate the creature with a human. Therefore it would not be scared away. The zombie would have no defense against teeth, claws, or speed of any kind. It’s like fast food.

Throughout history, mankind has suffered at the hands of many diseases and sicknesses. They have ravaged our populations and stealthily laid waste to all races on Earth. However, all of the most effective diseases—the ones that have killed the most people, I mean—are the ones that are passed without being seen. Take a cold, for example. It is passed through pathogens in the air or by germs. That is how it spreads so quickly. And how is zombieism passed? By the most obvious way possible: by biting people.

With all of the police, military forces and gun-toting rednecks in the world, once the disease is contracted by Patient Zero, it would quickly be stopped with a simple rule: shoot the guy who is biting people.

Zombies, if they were to be classified as a species, would be the worst off species in the Eukaryotic domain. I almost pity them. Their main form of reproduction (biting) is also their only source for food and their top predator: humans, if you weren’t picking up on it. This means that if a zombie wanted to eat or make a new zombie, it would have to go toe-to-toe with the one organism best suited for killing them. Every time.

Should a zombie infection ever break out, do not worry. Due to their lack of a functioning body and their high mortality rate, zombies are doomed from the start. Your brains are safe.